transferred entry 12/5/05

ya know... i seem to be under a lot of stress. i'm really irritable (tho you cant always tell due to my easily changed mood), i've been down about a lot of things, and other things over anxious. over thinking everything, underthinking other things, restless, sleeping too much (more than normal), not eating enough then suddenly eating too much, never wanting to go to the gym, and being really confused all the time. it sucks big time. i'm always worrying about finals and stuff... but i'm extra scatter brained so i can never focus enough to realize that i should stop worrying and study. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!? do i somehow want to fail??? is that it!? because i know i should bs studying and working on my projects... but i just dont do it!!!!!! GOD i'm so mad at myself now! why don't i fix it!? i never fix it!! somehow its totally ok if i squirm by on everything... why??

another thing thats been buggin me lately is the whole boyfriend thing. i KNOW this is brought on by the stress... but i'm getting kind of tired of being in a relationship. now dont get me wrong... i love being with brian and its not him specifically. i love what we have... i just dont need the extra responsibility of having to talk to someone everyday and think/worry about them. it takes so much energy to love another person... i dont have it right now... and its starting to hurt. but i'm not going to do anything about it except maybe tell brian i cant talk to him as much... that would be stupid especially because i know its just temporary (last 2 weeks of school are hell for me!) GOD I NEED TACO BELL RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!